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Jason's Road Trip

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So 6 months ago Jason needed to go visit the place where his little sister died and his cousin. He left on foot but he actually ran into a nice jeep!

Jason: WOAH! ITS LIKE THE ONE I USED TO HAVE! BUT ITS THE TRUCK VERSION

*Jason awed in excitement seeing as the door was unlocked, upon entering, he searched for a couple minutes before he got a gun pulled up to his head*

??: Get out of the truck 

*The man pulled Jason out as 3 other boys surrounded him with knives*

??: This here is our truck now and your stuff belongs to us.

Jason: Look boys.. You really dont want to mess with me.. I --- 

*Jason froze as he noticed one of his old gang members.. the other stated with confusion*

??:Jason? Is that you man?

*the man slowly approached him but was pulled back by the man with the gun*

??: Stand back boi before you know what's good to you. 

*He hit Jason in the gut with his m1911, ushering him to stand up*

*He hit again

and again

and again...

Jason yelled in anger as he pulled his fire axe and threw it at the gunman, nailing it in his chest.

*the other 2 men lunged at him and one managed to stab him in the gut whereas the other was thrown into the car.*

Jason yelped in pain before grabbing the man's neck and snapping it

 

The man in the truck screeched as he was being tugged out of the car..

Jason scoffed and placed his head near the door and slammed it over and over again, crushing his head and blood spraying over the car.

??: J..jesus Jason I.. Damn dude

*The man stepped back before Jason reassured him it was ok*

 

<2 Hours later>

*As they are driving along the road, the old friend fries him about the gang*

??: Charlie and them.. well they kinda left to the safe house but when me, Jeremy, Martin and pops got there, it was left open.. Hell's if I know something happened.. 

Jeremy.. he uh.. was the first to go.. trying to help an old lady trapped in a store but he died instead

 

Martin got shot by the people I was with... poor bastard..

 

and pops.. I..I screwed up man.. and he paid the price for it..

*Jason and the man nodded.. knowing they cant cry but feel the deep emotions inside...*

PART 2 TOMORROW! Tell me how it is?

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In an all serious note (And in the nicest way possible) your writing needs some work spring, large plot holes, bad grammar and untreated deus ex machina healed gut wounds its just bad all together. 

Some bullet points

  • Jason is somehow able to pull out a fire axe which range from 28 to 36 inches long and throw it at a gunman who's at point blank range.
  • Somehow is able to break a mans neck (Here's an extremely good article about how difficult it is to actually break someones neck)  immediately after getting stabbed in the stomach, then seemingly recovering instantaneously from a rather severe wound?
  • Thcoloschem Please Spring for the love of god STOP THIS Formatting is a great alternative to differentiating things through color schemes.
  • You fry potatoes, you grill people for information.
  • Some things are overly specific, the reader doesn't need to know the make and model of the pistol your characters sustaining multiple blows with.

You have a habit of writing extremely macho, overly detail specific, non-sensical stories. I'm not trying to bash your creativity but for things like this to be taken serious they need to be toned down from the 120% Micheal Bay Hollywood levels you write them at. I posted Doom: Repercussions of Evil because it is of the same caliber as this Udesky fan fiction. 

 

I hope to see your writing improve in the future. Thank you for reading through my criticism.

  • Like 1

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Might I suggest looking at how short stories and novels are written if you're wanting to do something regarding this rather then doing something like a journal entry and his own view of the whole situation.

Legion brought up some good points regarding the details of the story, to be frank majority of readers don't care about the exact details of things within the story, they care more about how the story flows and the actual plotline. I think you could make this pretty good if you move away from the almost in-game roleplay chat formatting and the Michael Bay type of action.

 

--Nice Lamborghini--

  • Like 1

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6 hours ago, Legion said:

In an all serious note (And in the nicest way possible) your writing needs some work spring, large plot holes, bad grammar and untreated deus ex machina healed gut wounds its just bad all together. 

Some bullet points

  • Jason is somehow able to pull out a fire axe which range from 28 to 36 inches long and throw it at a gunman who's at point blank range.
  • Somehow is able to break a mans neck (Here's an extremely good article about how difficult it is to actually break someones neck)  immediately after getting stabbed in the stomach, then seemingly recovering instantaneously from a rather severe wound?
  • Thcoloschem Please Spring for the love of god STOP THIS Formatting is a great alternative to differentiating things through color schemes.
  • You fry potatoes, you grill people for information.
  • Some things are overly specific, the reader doesn't need to know the make and model of the pistol your characters sustaining multiple blows with.

You have a habit of writing extremely macho, overly detail specific, non-sensical stories. I'm not trying to bash your creativity but for things like this to be taken serious they need to be toned down from the 120% Micheal Bay Hollywood levels you write them at. I posted Doom: Repercussions of Evil because it is of the same caliber as this Udesky fan fiction. 

 

I hope to see your writing improve in the future. Thank you for reading through my criticism.

 

44 minutes ago, SquejeMofo said:

Might I suggest looking at how short stories and novels are written if you're wanting to do something regarding this rather then doing something like a journal entry and his own view of the whole situation.

Legion brought up some good points regarding the details of the story, to be frank majority of readers don't care about the exact details of things within the story, they care more about how the story flows and the actual plotline. I think you could make this pretty good if you move away from the almost in-game roleplay chat formatting and the Michael Bay type of action.

 

--Nice Lamborghini--

Will fix after school with the new advice 😆 thanksss

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